Back

Cleft Stick 6 of 2008
IN THIS ISSUE
GRAA Member becomes President of Botswana!!
GRAA Position Statement on Nuclear Power Stations
News from EWT, March.
A tribute to Blythe Loutit
Dr. Ian Player Receives Peter H. Capstick Hunting Heritage Award
Black rhino, white rhino: what's in a name
POSITION(s) AVAILABLE
    Riverine Rabbit Working Group Habitat Rehabilitation Project Field Officer
    Water Management Training Consultant
    Champagne valley estate
    EWT - CLG Wild Coast Stewardship Project Leader
    EWT - Carnivore Conservation Group: Community Liaison Officer, northern KwaZulu Natal
    3 positions at a Lodge in Nambiti Reserve:
Tailpiece

Hi again,
Herewith, some snippets from various sources.
I appeal to you to send me items to distribute to our members for the Cleft Stick, the Game Ranger magazine and to be posted on the web site. These are your magazines and website, so ensure it gets the news that you would like to see in it.
Please let me have any changes to your physical address, phone no. or e-mail address to keep the database up to date. Remember this is the address we will send your Game Ranger Magazine to. Thanks to all of you who have made the effort. Please will any of you who know of members who do not get this “electric” Cleft~Stick, & have access to e-mail, pass their address along to me.

Don Yunnie
7 Chalet Drive, Hilton, 3245, South Africa Local Tel & Fax (033) 343 1534 Int. Tel & Fax (+2733) 343 1534 cell 082 377 7562, E-mail dyunnie@xsinet.co.za If you do not wish to receive this e-mail newsletter please send a blank e-mail to me at the above address with the word “Unsubscribe” as the message heading.
Please feel free to write to express your views on the content or the subject of any of the articles in this magazine – to the address above.
--- GRAA Member becomes President of Botswana!!

It was announced on the news today that Ian Khama has become President of Botswana. Mr Khama has been an honorary member of the GRAA for many years, and the Association congratulates him on achieving this great honour, and wishes him well in his office.

GRAA Position Statement on Nuclear Power Stations

Members of the Game Rangers Association of South Africa agreed to the following position regarding the proposal by Eskom for a nuclear power station to be erected at Bantamsklip in the vicinity of Pearly Beach on the Agulhas Plain.

  1. GRAA supports the development of technology for clean substitutes for the burning of fossil fuel for power;
  2. GRAA tilize es the need to tilize current alternative cleaner technology which includes nuclear power generation to reduce the impacts of waste from the burning of fossil fuel;
  3. GRAA encourages continuing research and development into technology which could be a substitute for nuclear technology in order to eradicate the generation of radioactive waste which has long-term implications for life on this planet.

    However:

  4. GRAA opposes unequivocally the construction and operation of a nuclear power station at Bantamsklip, since this is a globally and nationally ocused ed biodiversity hotspot, is in an area of irreplaceable lowland fynbos, and situated in a region known as the Agulhas Plain, the site of a world-renowned sustainability study ocused on the integration of conservation and development. The reasons for this stance are as follows:
    1. The devaluation of the multi-million rand investment into the Agulhas Plain over the past five years by international bi- and multilateral aid agencies, national, provincial and local government, philanthropic organisations as well as the private sector.
    2. The Agulhas Plain was selected by the SA Government in 2002 to serve as the model for an innovative approach to conservation and human development. The Agulhas Biodiversity Initiative (ABI), was thus launched to address conservation and development at an ecosystem level to ensure a sustainable future for communities of the area.
    3. This new approach requires that all parties which own, manage and utilise natural resources and land are included in planning and implementation. ABI has been a response to the government's call to encourage local ownership, responsibility and socio-economic benefits through the optimal use of the natural and human assets of the region. ABI is being championed by SANParks in partnership with all the major agencies in the area i.e. Agriculture and Land Affairs, CapeNature, the Municipal structures, public benefit organisations and commerce. The latter focuses in particular on eco-tourism. ABI is contractually bound to its many investors to develop and promote a sustainable model for the whole fynbos biome through the Cape Action for People and the Environment (C.A.P.E.).
    4. The ABI partners - and indeed the government itself - are not at liberty to put the achievements of the past five years at risk. For five years the Agulhas Biodiversity Initiative has promoted sustainability, progress and prosperity through ecotourism, sustainable use and the marketing of the region's natural assets and resources aimed at responsible and sustainable development. A nuclear power station has not been included in the Spatial Development Plans and the Integrated Development Plans of the region simply because such an installation is not regarded as a compatible land and resource use.
    1. Impacts from the peripheral development are not covered in the scoping and EIA process for the construction of the power station.
    2. GRAA challenges the fact that the potential impacts of the power line and road networks, the water cooling system, the transport and disposal of nuclear waste, as well as the changes in community and social structures are not being weighed against the socio-economic benefits being touted. GRAA would expect that the needs of the indigenous flora, tourism development and quality of life of the towns and communities of the region should outweigh short term gain in employment levels being advertised. This objective assessment needs to take place to be true to the principles of sustainability.
    Therefore:

    1. GRAA recommends that all current and new players, including Eskom, who are concerned with the sustainable maintenance of biodiversity in the region should;
    2. Focus resources in the Agulhas Plain and the broader Overberg on research and development of “green” energy. Included in such a “green” energy R&D programme would be wave, wind, solar, buy-back schemes from household produced energy and the development of biogas powered turbines;
    3. Strengthen the integrated approach to conservation and development by working with established partners and institutional arrangements within existing frameworks;
    4. Plan a strategy and put in place an implementation plan that builds on the achievements of these programme in the field of sustainable resource use, natural resource economics, biodiversity business and others.

From EWT March.

Earth Day is celebrated across the globe on the 22nd of April - for many a stark reminder that we have but one planet Earth. And if we don't get our act together and take the steps needed to conserve our environment, the legacy we leave for the next generation is not going to be the wondrous diversity we enjoy today. Whether it's something as simple as changing to more energy efficient lighting in your home or starting a recycling initiative in your area, the time is now. We cannot afford to be blase nor ignorant about the impact we have on the world we live in. Take a stand, make a difference and celebrate Earth Day in full knowledge that we are doing something about preserving it.

A tribute to Blythe Loutit

For those of you with DSTV, Animal Planet, channel 264, has been showing an interesting documentary called Saba and the Rhino’s Secret, which is a tribute to Blythe Loutit, who was awarded the GRAA Spirit of Africa Award, posthumously, in 2007. The programme features Saba Douglas Hamilton, and will be shown again at 11:30 on 27th April.

Dr. Ian Player Receives Peter H. Capstick Hunting Heritage Award

Fiona Capstick

The Peter H. Capstick Hunting Heritage Award (PHCHHA) is named after the well-known American author, whose defense of the international big-game hunting community and the role of hunting in the conservation of wildlife and its habitat made him a household name. Award criteria include active involvement in: education, hunting, conservation organizations, humanitarian causes, research, permanent endowments, and charitable giving. The intent of the PHCHHA is summed up in the Award Committees’ words: “The objective of this award is to bring honor and recognition to an individual, organization or group whose achievements reveal a sustained and significant contribution to the conservation of wildlife and its habitat. Additionally, the winner will have shown long-term commitment to our hunting heritage by pursuing that goal for the benefit of future generations.”The establishment of this premiere hunting award heralds a milestone for the international hunting and wildlife conservation community by highlighting individuals or groups responsible for the long-term support and commitment to our hunting heritage.

When Harry Tennison, the noted hunter/conservationist of Forth Worth, Texas, inaugurated Peter H. Capstick Hunting Heritage Award at the Dallas Safari Club Convention in 2005, an exceptional benchmark was set. Baron Bertrand des Clers of France and President Theodore Roosevelt have since been honoured for generating and bequeathing a magnificent heritage of conservation excellence that knows no borders and that embraces all peoples everywhere in the quest to conserve what remains of the world’s wilderness and wildlife.

In 2008, Dallas Safari Club and the Dallas Ecological Foundation paid homage to Dr. Ian Player, the internationally acclaimed conservationist visionary from South Africa. Revered around the world as one of the elder statesmen of conservation, his undaunted dedication has raised the consciousness of human beings everywhere about the interconnectedness between humans and the natural world and about the crucial value of the wilderness experience in healing the human soul.

The great-grandson of an Englishman who immigrated to Natal, South Africa in 1850, Ian Player’s African roots are deep. His special kinship with the Zulu people and with their historic home in Natal exercised a profound influence on him and resulted in his pioneering a wilderness leadership movement in 1957 that now flourishes on several continents. Player cut short his high school education in Johannesburg to enlist in the 6th South African Armoured Division, attached to the American 5th Army in Italy where he served from late 1944 until 1946. He was only 17 years old. Back in South Africa, young Player worked for a while in a gold mine before coming up for good into the fresh air and sunlight of another world. He headed for Natal where his ancestor had disembarked a solid century previously. The lush hills and valleys of the early Zulu Kingdom beckoned where mighty rivers flowed in all their wild beauty to the humid estuaries and golden dunes on the Indian Ocean. All Player’s senses would be invigorated and his soul fired up with a vision to share the wilderness experience with the world.

Before becoming a cadet game ranger with the Natal Parks Board in 1952, Ian Player had already inaugurated what is widely acknowledged as being the toughest canoe race in the world, namely the Dusi Canoe Marathon of over 110 river miles between Pietermaritzburg and Durban on the Indian Ocean. A triple back-to-back winner, Player was well equipped for his new calling where advanced bush skills, courage and tenacity were prerequisites for the job.

It was his life-changing good fortune in 1953 to meet a remarkable middle-aged Zulu employee of the Natal Parks Board, Qumbu Magqubu Ntombela. A legendary game tracker and formidable repository of Zulu oral history, he was already a skilled hunter at 14 when he began working for the first game conservator of Zululand, Frederick Vaughan Kirby, soldier, hunter and noted author. Player, too, would eventually become Chief Conservator of Zululand by the time he retired in 1974.

Magqubu, who could trace his lineage back to the great kings, chiefs and warriors of his people, had an unrivalled knowledge of the wilderness and its wildlife as well as great wisdom and insight into human nature. He took his young protégé on a learning curve like no other as he guided him into the real Africa. With unfailing enthusiasm and courtesy, Magqubu communicated the urgency to conserve wilderness and wildlife and to spread that message to other worlds.

He and Player demonstrated the eco therapy of wild places and the value of the wilderness in helping us retain our sense of humanity and our ability to respect and reconcile. It was Magqubu who shared the tradition of the indaba of the Zulu people, a meeting where the elders would confer with their peers or address the young on matters of great importance. It was this tradition and Magqubu that inspired Player to organise the first triennial world wilderness congress in Johannesburg in 1977.

Ian Player and Magqubu were together from the start in a history-making mission in the late 1950s when Player headed a highly specialised team of exceptional people in what became known around the world as Operation Rhino. From a few dozen white rhino in their natural habitat in the Umfolozi Reserve of Zululand at the turn of the 20th century, facing a desperately precarious future, they now number in excess of 12 000 animals.

Player and his team developed what at that time was a revolutionary drug-darting technique for the capture and translocation of these huge animals. The young ranger personally oversaw the sale of breeding colonies to zoological gardens and safari parks in many foreign countries to help ensure the diversification of the gene pool and the survival of the species. Operation Rhino became arguably the most successful translocation programme in conservation history, making world headlines in the process.

Ian Player’s conservation achievements are many and they are remarkable, shared throughout by his remarkable wife of almost 51 years, Felicity Ann, and by his three children. Among these triumphs was the proclamation in 1958 of the first wilderness areas, as opposed to parks, anywhere in Africa. These were in Umfolozi and Hluhluwe, covering part of the traditional hunting grounds of the Zulu kings.

In 1959, Player and Magqubu began wilderness trails on foot through those areas, accompanying people of all races and from many countries on a journey of self-discovery through nature like no other. Extensive international travel followed to promote conservation. Player produced and showed wildlife films and raised funds for major environmental projects as well as scholarships, such as those that enabled over one hundred young Americans to attend the Wilderness Leadership School.

Ian Player’s expertise also resulted in his being engaged as technical advisor on major wildlife films such as MGM’s “Rhino” and in implementing and overseeing a conservation program with the Philippines Government concerning the highly endangered Tamarau, a miniature buffalo.

To his eternal credit, Player spearheaded a decade-long international campaign to prevent a mining company from exploiting titanium deposits in the St. Lucia wetlands on the KwaZulu-Natal coast. With no funds but with a lifetime of knowledge, cast-iron determination and an international reputation with a matching network of influential friends, Ian Player took up the fight, much like the Zulu warriors of old when they braced the British Empire’s rifles with their spears.

The battle lasted until 1996 when the mining company finally threw in the towel. On 1 December 1999, UNESCO proclaimed the Greater St Lucia Wetland Park as South Africa’s first Natural World Heritage Site. Ian Player’s relentless courage and tenacity in the face of severe criticism, wilful ignorance and even outright hostility helped conserve for posterity the largest estuarine system in Africa and the southernmost extension of coral reefs on the continent.

Recipient of two honorary doctorate degrees, author of five books and numerous articles, Ian Player has also been honoured with many local and international awards, starting with The San Diego Zoological Society’s Gold Medal for Conservation in 1966, followed in 1969 by Game Conservation International’s Award in San Antonio. Other international honours include the Knight of the Order of the Golden Ark conferred on him in 1982 by Prince Bernhard of the Netherlands and Germany’s Bruno Schubert Lifetime Award for Conservation, presented in 2003.

Ian Player’s words contain a serious warning now. He said: “We can do something about conservation as conscious beings. If we don’t nature in all her ruthlessness will do it for us. We will lose something very deep within ourselves if we allow wilderness to be destroyed. As Magqubu would say: We are the land and the land is us.”
The laudation to Dr. Ian Player at the Dallas Safari Club Gala black-tie banquet was accompanied by an audiovisual presentation, which also included Dr Player’s acceptance speech given on camera from his home in Karkloof, outside Hilton in KwaZulu-Natal. Amyas Player, Dr Player’s younger son accepted the award from Harry Tennison on behalf of his famous father. Tennison and Dr Player have been close friends for several decades. It was a truly historic evening.

Black rhino, white rhino: what's in a name

Dear All

My paper - Black rhino, white rhino: what's in a name? has been published in Pachyderm 43: 111-115, July-December 2007. Read it at www.iucn.org/afesg .

All the best
Jim
J M (Jim) Feely

POSITION(s) AVAILABLE

Riverine Rabbit Working Group Habitat Rehabilitation Project Field Officer, NPO 015502 / PBO 930 001 777

The Endangered Wildlife Trust, based in Johannesburg, South Africa, has grown over the past thirty-five years into one of the major non-governmental conservation organisations operating throughout southern Africa.
The Endangered Wildlife Trust seeks to appoint a Field Officer to coordinate and implement a riverine habitat rehabilitation project within the Habitat Management Programme of the Riverine Rabbit Working Group. This post incorporates field work, project development and implementation, on-the-job training and capacity building, fundraising, donor and stakeholder liaison, communications, administration and financial responsibilities. The candidate should have a firm background and a tertiary qualification in nature conservation, natural resource management, the biological sciences or a related, relevant field. The preferred candidate will be highly motivated, must be able to work independently for much of the time, but still be a team player. A mature, highly professional person is required with exemplary administrative and organisational skills as well as good communication skills, the ability to think creatively and with excellent negotiating skills in order to liaise with private landowners, members of rural Karoo communities, governmental departments and sponsors in industry and elsewhere. Experience with working with communities and unskilled people and the ability to motivate, provide on-the-job training and build sustainable capacity is critical. Project coordination, fundraising and media liaison skills and experience are further aspects of the position. The candidate will be required to guide the rehabilitation project, assist with procuring equipment, establish working teams, oversee the nurseries, co-ordinate activities, generate financial support and administer the payments for transport and wages. The primary tasks will be quality control of the work, on-the-job training and planning further rehabilitation work.
Proficiency in the use of e-mail and good report writing skills are required. The ability to speak English and Afrikaans is required and additional African languages will be of value (e.g. isiXosa).
Experience in, understanding of and/or willingness to adapt to the conservation NGO environment is essential.
The Habitat Rehabilitation Project Field Officer will work within an established Working Group and be a team player, reporting to the Riverine Rabbit Working Group Manager. The selected candidate will be based in the Upper and Central Karoo region.
Interview location may be negotiated.
This is a contract appointment. The Endangered Wildlife Trust is an equal opportunity employer.
Applicants are to submit a comprehensive CV, as well as a motivation as to how they would see their role in this post.
All applications will be treated in the strictest confidence. Candidates who have not been contacted within 14 days of the closing date, must please assume that their applications were not successful. The EWT reserves the right not to make an appointment. Closing date: Monday 14th April 2008
To apply please e-mail your CV to alisonj@ewt.org.za Or post to “Human Resource Manager”, Private Bag X11, Parkview, 2122. Or fax to +27 (11) 486 1506

--- :VACANCY: Water Management Training Consultant - a training workshop in Seychelles
From: Anthony Maduekwe
Sent: 26 February 2008 12:56 PM
To: jdutoit@capebiosphere.co.za
Subject: Greetings from Dar es Salaam

Dear Janette,

We met in Madrid during the 3rd World Biosphere Reserves Congress through my colleague Mr. Guy Broucke. I spoke to you about my need for a South African consultant who I would love to engage to go to the Seychelles sometime in the middle of the year to undertake a training workshop for persons from the Seychelles, Mauritius and Madagascar. The topics for the training workshop are:

At the end of the training exercise the participants should be able to:
Understand issues and problems of catchment areas including:
Water Quality, and
Water Quantity

In addition, they should also be able to understand as part of their planning, issues on Measuring Water Quality
Effects of urbanization on water quality
Effects of human activities on water quality
The effect of stormwater pollution
Effects of Urban and Rural Development

and probably the harvesting of rainwater for improving availability of water on small islands during the dry periods. The duration of the training workshop should be a maximum of 3 days. We shall pay for the preparation of the training materials and also his travel and per diem using the UN rates.

Finally, a major problem is the language of communication, which, for these islands is mainly French though Seychelles and Mauritius are bilingual and can manage with the English medium. I would therefore prefer someone who could speak both English and French.

Thanks for your kind assistance and I look forward to also collaborate with you in the area of support for Tanzania in their National priority research areas for the environment, which includes activities within the 3 biosphere reserves in the country. Can your organization work directly with the Tanzanians so that we can set up meetings and possible collaboration?

Regards.

Anthony MADUEKWE
Programme Specialist (Natural Sciences Sector)
UNESCO Dar es Salaam Cluster Office, (Comoros, Madagascar, Mauritius, Seychelles and Tanzania), Plot No 127 Mafinga Street, Off Kinondoni Road, Dar es Salaam
P.O. Box 31473 - Dar es Salaam, Tanzania
Tel.: +255 22 266 6623, Fax: +255 22 266 7165

Champagne valley estate
Hi all, Gappy Smythe is looking to employ someone to assist him in the management of an estate in the Champagne valley, Drakensberg, R12000 pm salary - no accommodation, must speak Zulu and be hands on with aspects of game, security, maintenance - most park management aspects would be relevant. Preferably a 35 to 45 year old.

Sonja – contact skruger@kznwildlife.com

EWT - CLG Wild Coast Stewardship Project Leader, NPO 015502 / PBO 930 001 777
The Endangered Wildlife Trust, based in Johannesburg, South Africa, has grown over the past thirty-five years into one of the major non-governmental conservation organisations operating throughout southern Africa.

The Endangered Wildlife Trust seeks to appoint a Project Leader for the Conservation Leadership Group (CLG) Wild Coast Stewardship Project.

This challenging and exciting position will be responsible for developing a community-based stewardship programme on the Wild Coast to address the socio-economic challenges facing communities adjoining environmentally sensitive areas and to help them to mange their environment efficiently and effectively. The Project Leader will also coordinate the field workers based in targeted rural communities of the Wild Coast

The successful candidate will be expected to provide input into the ongoing evaluation and development of the project; should have experience with chairing meetings; have strong negotiation, report writing and good PR skills.

Duties will also include monitoring the implementation of the environmental management plan and representing the project at tribal authority or Chief council level. The Leader will act as a representative in stakeholder meetings, and be the mouthpiece of the project in all the communities of the Wild Coast.

Experience in community based conservation project development and implementation is essential. A minimum of a tertiary diploma in Business Administration and/or Conservation or Environmental Management is required. Good communication, confidence and personal skills to support interaction with both communities and government are required.

Experience in fundraising and proposal writing would be advantageous. An ability to work independently as well as in a team; be self-motivated, disciplined, innovative and energetic is essential.

The preferred candidate will be fluent in English (written and spoken) Xhosa and preferably Zulu; and have a good knowledge of the broader issues facing the environment and conservation.

Skills required include good communication and writing skills for reports and media, proficiency in Microsoft Office, strong presentation skills, basic budgeting and organisation skills.
This position will be based in Port Edward.
A valid South African driver’s license is a pre-requisite.
This is contract appointment.
The Endangered Wildlife Trust is an equal opportunity employer.
Applicants are requested to submit a CV, and a brief motivation as to why and how they would see themselves as the CLG Wild Coast Stewardship Project Leader.
All applications will be treated in the strictest confidence. Closing date: Friday 04th April 2008
To apply please e-mail your CV and application to the Human Resources Manager Alison de Smidt alisond@ewt.org.za or post: Endangered Wildlife Trust, Private Bag X11, Parkview, 2122 or fax to +27 (11) 486 1506.

--- EWT - Carnivore Conservation Group: Community Liaison Officer, northern KwaZulu Natal
NPO 015502/PBO 930 001 777
The Endangered Wildlife Trust (EWT) has grown over the past thirty-three years into one of the major nongovernmental conservation organisations operating throughout southern Africa.
The Endangered Wildlife Trust seeks to appoint a Community Liaison Officer for its KwaZulu-Natal Wild Dog Project, based out of Hluhluwe-iMfolozi Park. This position requires a dedicated and organised individual to conduct Wild Dog liaison work throughout northern KwaZulu-Natal. The preferred candidate will exhibit a wide range of skills that will enable them to successfully complete several diverse project objectives, including:
Fieldwork and monitoring to assist with data gathering related to Wild Dog dispersal events,
depredation incidents, community attitudes, and Wild Dog movements both inside and outside protected areas.
Community liaison activities including meetings and workshops with relevant stakeholders, and developing strong links between community stakeholders, the project, and other partners.
Education and public awareness among neighbouring communities including planning, organising and conducting Wild Dog and Biodiversity Awareness Camps; assisting EKZNW with biannual Community Wildlife Ambassador Camps; and preparation and distribution of printed media to schools and communities.
The successful candidate is expected to learn the requisite skills to monitor Wild Dog packs using standard VHF telemetry equipment and GPS / GSM technology. The candidate will be required to familiarise themselves with map reading and orientation, as well as develop good data-collection and record-keeping skills. The candidate must hold a valid code 8 drivers’ license and previous 4x4 driving experience will be an advantage. A project vehicle will be provided at the study site.

The candidate should have extremely good people and communication skills, and bilingualism in English and Zulu is a must. As the candidate will be required to produce regular project reports, and assist with data capture, computer literacy is essential. We require a self-driven individual, capable of working for long periods on his or her own.
Applicants must demonstrate a passion for conservation and the environment, and an understanding of and/or willingness to work in a well established non-governmental organisation.
This is a one-year contract appointment, effective immediately. All applications will be treated in the strictest confidence.
The Endangered Wildlife Trust is an equal opportunity employer.
The Community Liaison Officer will be based at Hluhluwe-iMfolozi Park where accommodation for a single person will form part of the remuneration package.
Applicants are to submit a comprehensive CV, as well as a motivation as to how they see their role in this post.
Candidates who have not been contacted within 14 days of the closing date, must please assume that their applications were not successful.
The EWT reserves the right not to make an appointment.
Closing date for applications: Tuesday 01 April 2008.
To apply please e-mail your CV to alisonj@ewt.org.za Or post to “Human Resource Manager”, Private Bag X11, Parkview, 2122. Or fax to +27 (11) 486 1506

--- 3 positions at a Lodge in Nambiti Reserve:

We are looking for a couple who understand 5 star outstanding service. This is an ideal opportunity for you to make a brand new lodge your own. The couple can be a game ranger and front of house - chef and front of house.(if this is the combination then we'll need a game ranger as well).
The lodge is situated in the Big 5 Nambiti Reserve near Ladysmith, KZN.
Salaries are negotiable with a future of share of profits for the management couple.
Accommodation is at the lodge.

If you require any further info - then please contact me on 083 630 6536.

Many thanks
Debbie Fry

Tailpiece

The last one is a worthy winner.

6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, " I'm afraid not, they're dead."

3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby said.
The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver,
"Got stuck, eh?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!"

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
"Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand".

Top of Page